The Art of Listening: how to truly listen and deeply connect with others

How many conversations have you had with people this week?
How many of them do you actually remember?
What did you learn during those conversations?
Probably not much.
Did you those conversations really turn into meaningful deep talks or
did they drain your energy?

If you have trouble listening to others and understanding them, it’s not your fault.
It’s just you don’t know how to listen and in this newsletter, I’ll teach you how to.
I learned these techniques from a famous book called “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.

I have a student who is a smart, passionate English learner. Let’s call her Lina.
Lina’s speaking is really good and she understands well, but she struggles with one thing: listening. 

Not listening as an English skill. Actual listening.
Listening to other people and understanding them.

If like Lina, you want to improve your listening skills, use the techniques and tricks I share below that will turn your next conversation into a deeply connecting one.
If you start applying these in your daily conversations, people will want to:

✔️talk to you
✔️be your friend
✔️crave your presence 
✔️hire you in their company
✔️work for you in your company

But first, we need to learn about👇

some bad listening habits; what NOT to do:

"Carnegie wrote:

Bad Example #1: The Interrupter
"Your roommate says:
‘I had a tough day at work because—’
And you cut him or her off and say:
‘Oh, I know! MY day was crazy too! Let me tell you about my day—’
🚫 Problem: You didn’t let them talk at all. Now they feel unheard."

Bad Example #2: The Story Hijacker
"Your friend says:
‘I went to Italy last summer.’
You reply:
‘I LOVE Italy! I went in 2020. Let me show you some photos—’
🚫 Problem: You immediately made it about you."

Bad Example #3: The Distracted Listener
"Your colleague is talking, but you’re:
✔️ Checking your phone
✔️ Nodding without listening
✔️ Waiting for your turn to speak
🚫 What’s the problem with this type of listening? They know you’re not present."

Even if it’s a phone conversation. Like you’re on the phone with your friend and he/she is telling you a story, but you are scrolling through Facebook.

If any of these sounds familiar to you, don’t worry—we’ll fix it.
I will share the code with you on how to become a better and more active listener,
a listener whom other people want to talk to;
a listener whom other people want to befriend.

Why Listening Matters?
"Dale Carnegie said,

Think about that. People love those who listen to them and show that they are interested in them and what they say. Why?

Because listening means respect. When you truly listen:
✅ You make others feel valued; and those people want to be your friend.
✅ You learn more from them and about them 
✅ You avoid misunderstandings because when you listen, you have the chance to reflect and ask questions.

Also, have you ever missed important information because you were not actually listening?
And the other person (friend, spouse, professor or boss) got mad because of that?

Here’s a bonus point: simply listening to someone is the best way to become a great conversationalist.
 
Our brains are wired to prioritize speaking. Why?
Because speaking feels like we can influence others, but that is not necessarily true.
Real influence? That comes from listening. Not talking.

All effective and successful leaders are great listeners.

Three Techniques to Listen Better:

"Let’s fix Lina’s problem (maybe yours, too) with three simple techniques from Carnegie’s book:"

1. The 2-Second Rule (Principle: "Show genuine interest")
"After someone finishes speaking, wait 2 seconds before replying. This will:

• stop interruptions.

• show you processed their words.

• make them think, ‘Wow, they actually care!’ Because these days, most people don’t care. Unfortunately.

2. Ask ‘More’ Questions instead of express “opinions” 
Here’s the trick: "Encourage others to talk about themselves".

"Instead of jumping to your story, ask:

• ‘How did that make you feel?’

• ‘What happened next?’

• ‘What made you want to do that?’

• ‘How are you feeling now?’ after an accident or an illness.

• ‘How did you like your food?’ after eating at a restaurant.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

• What was your favorite part of the day?

• What was your favorite part of the trip?

• What is something that you learned today?

• What do you think you should do about this issue?

• What is something you like about your job?

• How do you like your new phone/car/camera?

Try one of these today and share the response with me on Instagram @TheEnglishZone_

If you ask a stranger one of these questions, it will guarantee an instant connection;
if you ask a friend one of these questions, it will guarantee strengthening of your friendship;
if you ask your spouse or family member one of these questions, it will guarantee a stronger bond.

But after you ask, you gotta listen.
You can’t just ask a meaningful question and ignore the answer.

3. Repeat Their Last 3 Words 
Here’s the trick: "Make the other person feel heard".
Example:
If he or she says: ‘I’m super stressed about work.’
You: ‘Stressed about work?’ Why?
This signals “I’m listening” and keeps them talking."

"Imagine my student Lina tries this.
Her friend says, ‘I saw a great movie last night.’ Old Lina interrupts: ‘Oh, I love movies! Let me tell you about a movie I saw last week—’ NO.

New Lina says, ‘A great movie? Tell me about it!’ Her friend lights up.
Wow! Lina is interested in listening to me today. Oh I love my friend.

Becoming Truly Interested
"Carnegie wrote: ‘To be interesting, be interested.’

But how?

Try these:

1. Pretend you will be tested 
"Before a conversation, think: I’ll summarize what they say afterward.
This forces active listening." | I myself tried this with my wife and boy, she loved it.

2. Find and talk about what they like

"Everyone has a favorite topic (kids, travel, food, book, movies, cars).

Find it;
Ask them about it.

‘What’s something you’re excited about lately?’

Like if I’m having a conversation with you and you ask me questions about books,
I will talk to you for an hour about books. Also, you will guarantee a new friend.

The point is, ask people what they are interested in and let them talk about it.

Don’t interrupt and criticize!

Here is what you should never do: Asking someone questions to hear their opinion and if you don’t agree, criticizing them. Not only you will make them feel uncomfortable and hurt,
they will probably not want to talk to you again.

1️⃣ Wait 2 seconds before replying.
2️⃣ Ask ‘tell me more’ questions.
3️⃣ Get curious—find their ‘hot button.’
4️⃣ Become genuinely interested in them.
5️⃣ Don’t listen to respond; listen to understand because you care about the other person.

Here’s your challenge: For one week, focus more on listening than speaking.
Then DM me with your results. Here’s my Instagram: @TheEnglishZone_ 

And if you’re ready to transform your English and communication skills, enroll in my
“Speak English with Confidence” course. Fill out this form.

Also, want to listen to this on my podcast? Click here.

Thanks for reading!

Lots of love,
Ziyad